Why do people stay in Domestic Abuse relationships?
Contents
Psychological Reasons
Practical Reasons
Patience & Enduring Support
Overview
People often remain in abusive relationships due to a complex mix of of psychological and practical barriers. These include shaming and blackmail, which are significant factors that contribute to why individuals may stay in abusive relationships. These highlight the importance of sensitive, comprehensive support systems that can empower and help people to break free from abusive situations and become survivors.
Psychological Reasons
Trauma Bonding
Abusive relationships can create strong emotional bonds through a cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement of affection. Victims may feel a deep attachment to their abusers despite the harm.
Low Self-Esteem
Abusers often erode their victims’ self-worth, making them believe they are undeserving of better treatment or that they cannot survive on their own.
Fear of Escalation
The fear that leaving might provoke more severe violence or retaliation can paralyse victims into staying.
Hope for Change
Many victims hold onto the hope that their partner will change, often based on apologies, promises, or temporary periods of kindness.
Guilt & Shame
Victims may feel responsible for the abuse or ashamed to admit to others what is happening, which can prevent them from seeking help.
Normalising Abuse
Some individuals grow up in abusive environments and may come to view such behaviour as normal or acceptable in relationships.
Practical Reasons
Financial Dependence
Economic control is a common tactic in abusive relationships, leaving victims financially dependent on their abusers and afraid of the financial instability that might come with leaving.
Financial Blackmail
Abusers might control the victim's finances or threaten to ruin them financially. This can include threats of withholding money, sabotaging employment, or damaging credit scores, making the victim feel financially trapped.
Children
Concerns about the welfare of children, custody battles, or the belief that it is better for children to live with both parents can compel victims to stay.
Public Shaming
Public Shaming
The threat of public shaming, where the abuser may expose personal or embarrassing information, can coerce victims into staying. Victims may fear judgment or ostracism from their community, friends, or family if their situation becomes known.
Control Through Fear
Control Through Fear
Blackmail can extend to threats against the victim’s loved ones, such as children, family members, or pets. Abusers might threaten harm or repercussions if the victim attempts to leave, creating a climate of fear and control.
Lack of Support
Isolation from friends, family, or support networks by the abuser can leave victims feeling they have no one to turn to for help.
Threats of Exposure
Abusers may threaten to reveal sensitive information or secrets about the victim. This could include private matters, financial details, or past actions that the victim wants to keep confidential. The fear of such exposure can trap victims in the relationship.
Legal & Institutional Barriers
Lack of access to legal resources, fear of not being believed, or ineffective legal systems can hinder escape.
Housing
Finding safe, affordable housing can be a significant barrier, particularly if the abuser controls the home or if there are limited shelters available.
Cultural and Societal Pressure
Cultural, religious, or societal norms can pressure individuals to stay in a relationship despite the abuse, due to stigma or expectations about marriage and divorce.
Patience & Enduring Support
Helping someone escape domestic abuse can take a very long time. It can be very frustrating and disappointing for family and friends to observe the cycles of abuse and forgiveness on repeat. Understanding all of the above complex barriers to people living with perpetrators is essential to encourage an enduring support framework, without pressure, blame or judgement.
Remember, the goal of a perpetrator is often to alienate and destroy the support network of their victim. Don't let that happen.
Leave the door open, keep planning, keep a presence, be there when they're ready, be there when they fall. Whatever you do, don't give up on them.
For practical planning, visit our 'Escaping Domestic Abuse' page.